Had my annual full body mole check at the dermo. Walked to the office, wasn’t hot or sweaty or anything on the way over and the waiting room was average temp, very comfortable and I was able to sit back, relax and take in the “The newest and most awesome poisons to inject into your face” and “Things they can do with repurposed butt fat these days” pamphlets while I waited for my name to be called. I was promptly called back into one of the examination rooms, and since this was the annual “strip down so I can examine your spotty bod” appointment, the assistant told me to get neckid, paper vest opened in back, paper sheet draped over the lower half and hop up onto the paper covered bed. I did as I was told and then got super psyched cause there was a People Magazine left on the chair so I papered myself then lounged back and began to catch up on Kim and Kanye.
Eventually the doc came in and we began the exam. Did I mention that they actually have photographs of my nude body in my file so that they can accurately compare all my moles to what they looked like the year before to gauge changes and determine what needs to be dug out and what don’t? I’m super moley. So, I’m laying on my back while we chit chat and she scans my face, chest, belly, legs for color changes or wavy lines and she mentions that it’s hot in the room and then she says that that particular exam room is always really hot. I say, yeah, I am kinda hot, and then I realize I have been so clenched and concentrating on the exam that I didn’t realize that I am in fact super hot, super hot and sweaty, super hot and sweaty and most definitely stuck to the paper sheet I am laying on that is covering the exam bed (is that called a bed or a bench?). So, of course, she asks me to turn over. I at least had the curtsey to warn her, she said, don’t worry it happens all the time, then I began to turn, and she began to laugh hysterically. I took about 99% of the sheet with me and she spent the next 5 minutes slowly peeling the paper off my back, ass and thighs so she could continue the examination while I laid face down on the now uncovered exam bed/bench pretty much making out with what is most like 20 years of coodies.
Sooo, that’s that. I was feeling super awesome the rest of the day as I continued to pick little bits of the remaining shreds off my bod. Good news – no bad moles, so the humiliation was so totally worth it!